As far as I can remember, “being in the moment” was a concept that was always around me. However, the abused child that I was could not remain in moments that were mortally painful. Thus, unconsciously I dissociated. I dissociated the pain, but I think my mind augmented beauty or joyful moments, like a drug, in order to anesthetize the repressed pain. Sometimes I felt outside of myself with joy. Sometimes I fell into unexplainable depressions. In recent years I have become aware of my dissociation and the barriers it presents to “being in the moment”. So, I have tried take this recognition with me, and I attempt anew to find “being in the moment.” It is September 30 th , temperatures have been dropping. For weeks I have been pruning back my over-eager, ever-productive tomato plant, knowing that soon, when the nights freeze, it will die. I am leaving only the sprigs that have baby tomatoes on them the size of a pea or pearl, hoping for some October sunshine to help ...
In 1993, when my 'Christian phase' was over, I began an earnest engagement with Zen Buddhism. Over the years, in Germany and in France, I had gleaned information about meditation, mostly from books. By the time I returned to Stuttgart from Paris, I had obtained the name of Fumon Shōju Nakagawa , who was at the time official representative of the Soto Zen school in Europe. This was the school of Zen practice of my father and his family that I had grown up with. I also attended sesshins (retreats) with Roshis (masters) from the Rinzai school. But I found the insights I gained with the Soto Roshi most convincing, and so I remained with him. (In 2005 he performed our wedding ceremony .) During the sesshins, we kept silence for several days: For as long as the sesshin lasted we ate, worked, and meditated in silence with the exception of daily lectures and/or Q&A sessions with Roshi. Around this time I suffered acute temporary hearing loss due to professional stress and had beg...